Journal Face

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:52:52 GMT

kid: you're becoming a tomboy.
me: what?
kid: you are. boy hair. boy clothes.
me: *smiles*
kid: i have those same shorts at home. you're wearing boy shorts. you're a tomboy.

*****

girl: ready, boy?
boy: ready, girl? [a question, not a response]
girl: on your mark!
boy: get set!
girl: GO!!!
boy: wait... what are we doing?
girl: i'm winning!!!

*****

me: good afternoon.
somebody's grandmother: oh! hello! how are you doing?
me: fine, thanks. how are you?
somebody's grandmother: i'm alright. i'm wondering who is this boy coming towards me?
me: oh. yeah. it's different.
somebody's grandmother: yes. so you cut off all the hair?
me: yeah... yeah. well, take care.
somebody's grandmother: goodbye, dear.

*****

him: so... are you like some kind of lesbian now?

Sun, 04 May 2008 23:54:16 GMT

i joue my guitare and i feel happy.
i chante the songs jolis and i hear the silkiness of ma voix and i feel like i'm in the right place.
i'm in the right body.
i'm the right girl.

i think about where i am and where i need to be and i'm confusé.
everything is a melange of half-formed thoughts and the emotions bien forts.
nothing seems right mais nothing seems tort.
i'm just tumbling around, trying to trouvé some sort of solid ground.

the frustration seeps into my head, mon coeur, boils up.
on sight, on the first attempt at connection, the desire to bolt overwhelms me.
detach from all of this, tout here, find a new life, tout seule.
laisse me alone.

sigh.
okay.

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:08:11 GMT

Frustration.
Sadness.
Relief.
Contentment.
Confusion.
Anger.
Disappointment.
Excitement.
Uncertainty.
Happiness.
Shame.
Determination.

this mix of emotions should be standard for me by now.
yet, every time, it throws me for a loop.
all these feelings throttle around inside my head and my heart.
both feel full to capacity and are just aching for release.
get rid of the negative ones, replenish the space with more of the positive.
on top of it all is trying to figure out just how to do that.
what is wrong?
what needs to change?
what is good?
what is needed to hold on to the good?

babies.
husbands.
friends.
fags.
girl friends.
girlfriends.
mentors.
kids.
spiritual partners.

i want it all.
and i want to be happy with nothing.

i want peace.

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 07:27:02 GMT

ahhh...

mourning loves lost.
" loves imagined.
" loves denied.
" loves unexplored.

it's late at night
and i've spent this entire week
prowling the early morning hours
feeling out of place.

and, this night, my hours are spent
mourning loves not currently held.

[once, i spent the early morning hours giving birth to a new love,
which i mourn tonight.
why do i feel that "bad" news is on the way?
and what about the news makes the label "bad" applicable?]

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:33:30 GMT

are you seriously asking me that question?

you're beautiful. you're so beautiful. i look at you, and i want to fuck you. i want to make love to you. yes, i want to be with you.

i want to hold you. i want to taste you. i want to feel the weight of you on my body, on my tongue. i want to fold myself into the shape of you. i want to learn every muscle, every curve of you.

i want to hold your face in my hands and feel your earlobes between my fingertips. i want to kiss your eyelids, and your forehead, and your cheekbones, and your chin, and your neck. i want to gently bite at your jawline, just *there*. i want to run my tongue down your neck to your collarbone and i want to suck on that. i want my lips to be painted with the salt of your skin.

i want your arms to encircle me. i want to feel your breath softly at my ear. i want to hear the sounds of pleasure, of contentment, escaping directly from your throat. i want the rhythm of your breathing, inhaling and exhaling, to play itself on my ribcage. i want to feel your warmth against every piece of my bare skin.

do i want to be with you?

from long before you ever spoke a word to me, i wanted to fuck you.

do i want to *be* with you?

yes.

how do i answer that question, though?

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 03:47:21 GMT

it's funny how nice it feels to remember high school-ish feelings.
less than the feeling itself, the nostalgia that comes with it is fantastic.

i said today, "i love the moment when you know, without a doubt, that someone you like feels the same way."
i didn't actually say it aloud, but i thought it.
it was cute.

the best part is the fleeting sense of it all.
i have no intention of going anywhere with this; i don't plan to act on it at all.
i know this, whatever "this" is, will only last the duration of this week, too.
then, we'll go our separate ways and that will be that.

ahh, to be young and carefree.

like i'm so old and plagued with troubles.
right.
but, i do realize i'm a lot more serious than most others.
i'm definitely WAY more serious than i was just a handful of years ago.
i am not complaining about that, because it was by choice.
i do miss the light-heartedness of it all, though, sometimes.

it's just been so pleasant.
we talk, we laugh, we ask questions about one another, learning each other, "becoming friends."
there is no pressure.
no awkwardness.
i think because i'm much more confident right now than i've ever been before, this is especially pleasant.
i am older [and he doesn't even know by how much].
i know what i want and what i don't.
i am detached, content with or without him, and that translates in our interactions -- there is comfort between us.

today, there was a lot of conversation, interaction, choosing to stay close to one another.
then, that moment came, and it was awesome.
[standing across the room from one another, we kept casually catching one another's eye while supervising the activity.
then, randomly, he looked at me and i looked at him.
he smiled at me and i smiled at him.
and we both, simultaneously, started making our way across the room to one another.
not for any particular reason.
not to say anything extremely important.
just to be together in that moment.]*
because, out of all the people in that room at that time, i was the person he most wanted to be with.
and he was the same for me.

that's friendship.
regardless of whatever else kind of relationship is going on between two people,
that action there is reflective of their friendship --
a friendly relation or intimacy.

and it was nice.

two more days of niceness.
then, after that... we'll see.

*on re-reading that passage,
it strongly reminds me of a definitive point in another relationship i once had.
and that feeling of nostalgia was a little more bittersweet.
that night had been so incredible
and everything that followed it... still hurts my heart.
*sigh*

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 05:35:38 GMT

aaahhhhh.

1) i'm amazed at how often during my day i eat just because i have nothing else to do. it's only been one day, but i know this Fast will get both harder and easier as time goes on.

2) there are so many opportunities for me to teach the Faith and i'm so uncertain how to do it. already, i've seen such a change in my everyday interactions with people, and that makes me proud of myself. but, beyond that, i'm totally clueless. and that frustrates me. but, i guess i'm forcing myself into action, here. i will have to learn.

3) "my wife." i am seriously wanting to get married. it's great how i go through these phases, but i can tell they're completely relative to my current relationship [non-]status. i get close, i get scared, i push away. i am alone, i remember what i wanted, i long for it. why can't i find my husband? the people who are perfect show no signs of wanting me. the people who want me are far from perfect. my standards are too high. i refuse to lower them. and i'm scared shitless.

4) what am i doing with my life? get through this semester, then FUCK OFF. basically.

5) i need to be firm in establishing who i am. i want to run away, start over. but, that's weak. i don't want to be weak forever. i need to be firm. so, i need to detach myself from all these images of me. i need to BE ME. so, i should stop worrying about trying to keep within certain circles of acceptance. there are parts of me that i like, but i don't FIT IN to any of those circles -- not completely. i'm a fucking outsider and i like being that way. so, i should act like it. there are many parts of who i am. we all need to deal with that.

6) um, less negativity. happiness. joy. find it.

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:23:21 GMT

you've been on my mind all night.

it's almost frightening the way i can't stop thinking about you. driving home, i held my phone in my hand, willing it to ring, willing you to call. i envisioned you phoning and actually explaining to you, "you've been on my mind all night. were you just struck with an uncontrollable urge to call me? because i think my telepathic powers are stronger than either of us can understand, stronger than i can control."

looking out the window at the nighttime lights flying by, i was completely in my own world. in that world, i bumped into you on the street. i threw my arms around your neck and exclaimed, "you've been on my mind all night!" the initial surprise of my sudden attack wore off, then your body melted into mine the way it always does. cheek pressed firmly to cheek, your hands on the small of my back, you didn't say anything in response, just pulled me closer to you. i know then you would have said something about how you've been thinking of me for days and we would have planned a date for us to spend time together, just the two of us. but, unfortunately, we were interrupted by real life and i was pulled back into whatever conversation was happening in the car at the time.

as we were nearing home, and the territory began looking a bit more familiar, i stopped looking at the lights and started looking out the window for a certain face or a familiar walk. outside our building, while we were just sitting and jamming to our music, i saw a figure walking towards us. the hope lasted only a flicker of an instant, but it was strong enough for me to recognize it for what it was: i was waiting for you to show up beside me, for you to walk me up to my apartment, for me to invite you inside -- i'm home alone. i'm so glad you're here. you've been on my mind all night. but you're not here. i am home alone.

i actually questioned if this was an ominous feeling, you being stuck in my head. maybe something was wrong. maybe it was a sign that i should call you, make sure you were alright. but my fear of seeming stupid, my fear of actually being right about your safety, and my fear of reaching out to show i care stopped me. i couldn't call just to say, "you've been on my mind all night. are you okay? yes? oh, good. well, then..." as much as i would love the catalyst to talking more openly about ~~our~~ my feelings, the thought of that frightens me. so, i did nothing. once again, to my downfall, i was forced to a state of paralysis by my own fears.

but, now i am here, sitting alone at home, caught between daydreaming about us being together and worrying about you. i would like to be able to let go of this so i can move on with my life. you've been on my mind all night. if you're not going to appear in any other aspect of my life, such as in the flesh, in front of my eyes, in my arms, then please leave now. i would like to be able to get some sleep.

baby, i love you. i hope you know that. and, when we *do* next see each other, i look forward to throwing my arms around your neck and feeling your hands on the small of my back again. we fit together so perfectly. if only our lives could do the same.

until then,
mE

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 06:33:29 GMT

why do i find myself wishing for someone to mention valentine's day to me...
knowing that he's interested and acknowledging that there is some level of interest on my part...
then immediately shutting him down when he DOES ask me to be his valentine...
then wishing he brings it up again so i can tactfully take back my rejection?

why do i know, clearly, that what he wants is not exactly what i want...
but still want him to want it anyway?

i want us to be together on valentine's day.
i don't want to be his valentine...
but i want us to be together.

he doesn't want us to be together...
unless it is as valentines.

why do i know that i'm better than "valentine's day drama"
yet still find myself agonizing over something so stupid?

it's just another day.
it's a good opportunity, if given, to spend time with someone you love...
regardless of what type of relationship you currently have.
and if that doesn't work, then...
so be it.

right?

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 03:28:49 GMT

and i sit there, eating my dinner with my feet on the table and my novel propped up
against my left leg. this spot that i have chosen as my refuge many days before and
will return to many times in the future. i sit and i read, but i know i am waiting.

and then it arrives.

the moment for which i have waited arrives and i am enthralled. i expect, like all
the other times before, to watch it come and go and to be left with only the mildly
confused feeling of euphoria i have come to long for. i rest my book down and raise
my eyes, drinking in this small pleasure. as quickly as it arrives, my pleasure
morphs into something terrifying and grotesque, causing my heart to stop and alarms
to go off in every nerve ending in my body; she catches my eye and there is a moment
of recognition.

desperately wanting but completely unable to look away, i watch as she gives some
explanation to her friend and says goodbye. my face distorts into unconcealed fear
as she walks towards me and looks at me again. unable to admit to any such
recognition, my eyes fly back to the pages of my novel as she sets her bag down on
the seat next to mine and begins to rifle through it. barely breathing, my heart
pounding, i try to focus on making my facial expression as nondescript as possible
while fighting the internal battle of whether or not to raise my eyes to meet hers
once more. the decision is made for me when she picks up her things and walks into
the bathroom on my left.

staring at her back as it disappears behind the door, i feel my face shifting again,
eyebrows furrowed and breaths shallow, shaky, and loud. i'm not sure what i'm
thinking in that moment, if anything at all. what do i do when she comes back out?
smile and nod? continue to pretend [quite poorly] that her existence doesn't faze
me? why am i so socially awkward? i am utterly embarrassed by both being caught in
this situation and by not knowing how to respond to it.

an irrationally long time passes without her emerging from the bathroom. does that,
in itself, mean something? i fear i have lost all sense of time with this
overpowering surge of mixed emotions. just as i begin to consider grabbing my things
and escaping before she can return, the door opens. as she exits the bathroom, a
group of her friends arrive from the opposite direction. they are leaving and she
goes to join them. my moment has passed.

at the very top of the stairs, she stops and turns, facing me once more. i force
myself to stare up into her face, hoping that our eyes make contact one last time.
she fixes her jacket and throws her bag over her shoulder then turns and walks down
the stairs, laughing with the people she knows and loves.

i am forgotten.

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 08:07:35 GMT

i hate that i obsess.
i want to just be free of this.
i want to be happy with myself
and not need any outside addiction.

this isn't the first time, right?
i know that.
this isn't the first time i've been faced with this obsession.
and, all those times, i was WRONG.
what i thought i wanted was not, in fact, what i wanted.
it was not what i needed.

but, i'm fucking older now and can't i just KNOW WHAT I WANT?!
can't i just be certain and be brave?

what the HELL?

at a decent hour, i was overcome with longing.
i envisioned myself picking up my phone and reaching out --
making a connection.
i scared myself out of it.
at an indecent hour, i picked up my phone and realize a connection had been attempted.
NOT BY ME.
and i missed it, 'cause i was too afraid.
i tried to re-establish a connection, but it was too late.
and i kind of just hate myself for it.

this longing is so constricting.

stardust.
i need to add it to my list.

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 07:01:20 GMT

f*cking g*d d*mnit aarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

i'm happy and i'm angry at the same time.
and i hate it.

AND, my sister is happy and that makes me happy.
and angry.
at the same time!!
[not angry that she's happy;
angry that she's happy and i'm not.
angry that she's taking the necessary steps to ensure her own happiness, and i'm not.]

i'd really like to just bask in the happy for a while.
can i just do that?
please?

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 07:26:19 GMT

i think it so often, but i really feel it these days.
i am him and he is me, and that's why i love him so much.
[and, it's probably really, really psychologically unhealthy.]

i just... *sigh* okay.

i have an idealistically high standard of moral values. right and wrong are very important to me and i CANNOT make myself do something that i deem morally wrong. seeing immorality [based on my standards] in other people makes me extremely frustrated and absolutely nothing is worse than hypocrisy between supposed moral standing and action. yet, my morals seem almost backwards when compared to other people. most of the things other people see as immoral, i view on a different [deeper?] level, and see how they are probably not so bad -- or even highly beautiful/spiritual -- while the things that most people don't worry about are the things i find extremely important.

i'm almost unbelievably big on honesty. if you talk to the people who know me best, spend the most time with me, they'll confirm that honesty is so important to me. i don't lie. i'm extremely open about the fact that i don't lie. if i do lie, i'll always admit it almost immediately afterwards.

but, at the same time, i'm so closed off. while not lying, i've gotten very good at knowing how to word things so i don't disclose too much. more times, i don't disclose anything. if anyone finds out something about me, it's because i consciously make the decision to tell them. otherwise, everything is efficiently kept to myself. a lot of time, i just say things in ways to let people come to their own conclusions, which is what they want to do anyway. why bother giving them the truth and having them belittle it or twist it into what they want to hear? i'll just let them come up with their own truth [i do realize that's just a really effective avoidance technique...].

i don't give a shit what other people think of me. other people's impression of me is ridiculously low on my list of concerns. which is why most times, i let people think whatever they want. if they want to think i'm stupid, or insensitive, or irresponsible, or unreliable, or whatever -- if the truth they want to believe is that i'm shit -- then i don't bother correcting them. i know who i really am; i know myself better than anyone else [knows me or knows themselves]. that's really all that matters. so fuck them. i don't rely on the approval of others.

i understand that words mean nothing and i'm a firm believer in proving oneself through actions. i don't need to explain myself to people when they doubt me because, if they really took time to know me, they'd understand exactly what kind of person i am. my actions should defend my character. if they don't, they obviously aren't strong enough or the people aren't honestly trying to understand me. i should never have to say "i'm smart, i'm sensitive, i'm responsible, i'm reliable, i'm whatever" because people should automatically think those things. unless it's absolutely necessary -- which is hardly ever the case -- i won't ever say those things; it's bullshit. because i'm NOT always smart, sensitive, responsible, reliable, nor whatever else. to say i am would be lying to everyone, then i would have to prove myself all over again through my actions. so, why waste all those words?

beyond that, i hate having to explain myself, ever. i never give excuses. i rarely say "i'm sorry" and never unless i genuinely DO feel very sorry. that word will never change what already happened. explaining why it happened will never change the fact that it happened. it happened, the repercussions happened, now we deal with it and move on.

and i will always accept the consequences of my actions. i never beg for exceptions or any sort of special treatment, no matter what the situation is. IT HAPPENED. i played a part in it, so i deal with my fair share of the consequences. if i had a dick, pity would "make [it] soft." i'm willing to just be real and move on, so you should be able to do the same.

i hate any ostentatious displays of superficiality. "oh, this happened; poor me. feel pity!" "look what i did. be proud. congratulate me!" "i feel bad. flatter me! compliment me!" it pisses me off. i will never do that, i can't stand seeing other people do it, and i hate [HATE! HATE!!!!!] when others assume i'm doing that, like everyone else, and pity/congratulate/flatter me as though that's what i'm fishing for. it's not so much that i'm worried they have such a low impression of me, it just makes my stomach turn to be associated with a behaviour i detest so much. that is the one instance that i have no trouble correcting people, and usually in a not-so-tactful way.

and i hate being rewarded or complimented for things i had no part in. that's why i can spend all of december 4th without telling every person i meet, "it's my birthday today!" what accomplishment did i achieve on december 4, 1987? nothing [call my mom. write on HER facebook wall]. what part did i play in my genetic construction to give me the smile i have or the breasts i have or the eyes i have? none. did i sit down and hand-craft the shirt i'm wearing or the bag i'm holding? no. did i train for years and years to sing the way i do or to have the capability i do to pick up/execute dances or to understand and construct language? NO! these are all parts of me that i have no role in, so i can't stand that people feel the need to congratulate me on them like i actually accomplished something. i didn't do anything. don't waste your breath.

and that part is especially frustrating, because i DO have things that people want to compliment often.

i expect most of the same things from people around me, and when i don't get that, i just remove those lacking people from around me. i think i probably i appear really snobbish, but i refuse to hang out with certain personality types. i won't sit and pretend to like them when i don't. i won't choose to spend time with people if the time will be spent with me being openly unimpressed NOR with me being really fake and cheerful. so, i just don't hang out with them. and often, if they're smart enough to pick up on it, it's really evident WHY i don't hang out with them [most of the time, they're not smart enough, though].

i like to control all situations and i want people to think the way i do. i'll orchestrate sitations to force people to see that lying or being insincere fucks you over. or i'll to out of my way to ignore [and make sure they KNOW i'm ignoring] their pretentious cries for attention to force them to realize they don't really need that attention. or i'll make them realize that actions are the only true way to judge character by using my lack of disclosure to ENCOURAGE their beliefs that i'm shit, then continue to act in a way that shows i'm not shit, forcing them to accept that my actions are truth. and, usually, they also have to accept that they came up with their previous conclusions on their own and, while i didn't go out of my way to convince them of otherwise, they should have just trusted me.

i like to understand people completely. i try to figure out their minds, i watch their actions, i find out about their lives. it's part of having total control over all relationships/situations. if i understand everything about them, i have the upper hand and am free to control how much they understand about me.

god.
it's almost unnerving that, on rereading that, i could easily turn it into a third person description of him.
but, it's all me.

*****

what makes me different from him, though, is that i don't have the years of hurt and anger contributing to my cynicism and masks. there was a point where i WAS as cynical and angry as he is, but i somehow broke free of that before it became an inpenetrable wall.

i am completely trusting of people until they show me they're untrustworthy. i want people to be able to trust me with no questions asked, so i understand that i have to be able to do the same for them.

i don't feel that i need to uphold any sort of character, regardless of whether or not that's what everyone believes. he prefers to just give people what they want most of the time, while i say "fuck that." i give you nothing but me and you can make that whatever you want, but i won't go out of my way to feed into your misconceptions just to make you feel more secure about yourself.

i am surprisingly open with my feelings and emotions, once a person proves that he is worthy to hold them. it takes quite a lot to be able to prove that to me, but once you've proved yourself once, it's over.

i try to understand myself as much as i try to understand others; i don't have any horrible, dark past that i'm trying to repress, so i'm free to analyze my thoughts and actions at will. it makes me less calculating than he is, because i'm not always trying to figure out how to omit truths from others will completely denying them myself. but, i'm also more calculating than him, because i fully understand where i'm coming from and what i want from other people.

lord.
i am him.
that's it.
i love him and now i know why --
he's the male version of me.

i want him so badly.

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 06:46:49 GMT

i hate being so uncertain and so conflicted.
if this is what i want, i should just... go with it.
why be so scared?
i trust my ability to stand up for myself, to express myself, to prevent things i don't want.
so, what reason do i have to be afraid of this?

and, worst of all, what if this is not what i think it is at all?
i think that's the scariest thing.
after finally allowing myself to have something i really want,
what if i find out it's not being offered at all?

whatever.
i can't stress because the situation is literally non-existant right now.
if it comes into existence, i'll just figure it out then.
feel my way through.

[but, feeling is frightening, as well,
'cause i have a pretty good idea of what i'd FEEL at that time,
and i KNOW that's not what i truly want.]

on a connected, but unrelated, note,
i'm hoping to go to dinner with jamal tomorrow.
i say "hoping" because that's what it is.
though i know i have no reason to believe he won't want to go anymore,
i believe he won't want to go.
and i'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

it's not so bad if he says
"i don't want to go anymore; sorry."
it IS so bad if he goes to dinner with me
then makes the entire evening shit
because he didn't really want to be there.
the latter is the more likely of the two.
which i hate.

aaaaahhhhhhh.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 01:24:19 GMT

take it away.

i've spent the whole day in my house
[save a quick walk to galati's to buy bread and milk]
pretending to work on my new media art project.

somehow, i got pulled away,
and have spent the past few hours
[HOURS?! how did so much time go by...?]
doing... nothing.
browsing around facebook.
i hate facebook.

why do we get so caught up in these stupid nothings when we know we are capable of accomplishing somethings? we have the knowledge, the wisdom, the desire, the determination, the passion, the self-control to go out there and do things, yet we sit at home doing nothing. i hate us.

back to this assignment.
i don't even have a theme or concept secured in my mind, so i'm trying to create in this disgustingly haphazard, disjointed fashion.
this project will be a mess.
and not even in that tastefully artsy way most things are a mess.
just a plain, old, "what was she thinking?" mess.

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 03:11:51 GMT

they watched season 1.
then talked about it, and talked.
like they knew.
it's not the same.
they don't know.

i know lots of people watch queer as folk.
it's not like some secret society.
so why do i feel like they shouldn't be allowed to?

because it's mine.
it has always been mine.
it's not something that i giggle about
and squeal about
and chat about like it's just some sort of nothing.
it's mine to watch and love and immerse myself in when i need to.
it's mine to just turn to when i need to pretend my life is okay.
it's my way to escape and detach myself from everyone around me.
because they are not part of it.
it's mine.

now that they've watched it, it's like i can't have it anymore.
i listen to them talking about it
and they don't have the same thoughts and feeling that i have about it.
it's been ruined, because they have taken it and changed it.
now, what i thought and felt means nothing,
because i have to see it as "my interpretation"
instead of just... the reality.
my reality.

whatever.
i'm talking pure garbage.

it's just that my little secret has been exposed,
and the one thing that i indulged myself in being able to hide
has been taken away from me,
and i have to pretend to be happy to share it.

i'm not happy to share it.
it's mine.

on a higher note,
right now we have season 3 of the l word.
they've already watched it before me
and, somehow, that helps.
it's not like they can take from me what they already have.
so, i'm just sneaking it away from them.

LoL.

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 18:27:22 GMT

interesting, isn't it?
i have the hugest, intensest, amazingest, overpoweringest crush on kate moennig.
it's shane, but it's kate.
like it's brian, but it's gale.
it's only been a couple of days, but... oh, this is a full-blown crush.

which has had me reconsidering a lot of things in my life.

androgyny is so hot.
i'm incredibly attracted to androgyny.
i've always been and always known it.
that's part of the reason i'm such a fag hag --
it's a world of sexuality that encourages that encourages/supports androgyny.
and it's so hot.

i have no desire to be in any type of relationship with a woman.
because i am not gay.
but, i will not hesitate to admit that i'm attracted to manishly feminine women.
that makes sense; honest it does.
look at kate moennig and you'll see what "manishly feminine" means.

i find manishly masculine women slightly repulsive.

i like men.
i like men more if they're manishly feminine.

so, basically, i like manishly feminine.
but, not girlishly masculine.

[huh?!]

am i bisexual?
i think so, yes.
does that mean i have to have sex with women?
no. not at all.
in fact, i choose not to.

and that's that.

kate moennig has just alleviated a large amount of the anxiety i've subconsciously been harbouring for the past little while
[thanks, kate moennig].
because i've actually figured out exactly what the dilemma is.
and i've figured out where i stand in terms of my own actions.
and i'm okay with it.

i find women and men sexually attractive and i won't try to deny or repress that because it's a part of who i am.
i don't know what causes it nor do i particularly want to.

but, i've always viewed bisexuality as hedonistic.
it's about sex.

that came out more biphobic than it was intended.

the same way i can be married to a man and choose not to act on my sexual desires towards other men
[adultery],
i can choose to be with men and not act on my sexual desires towards other women
[bisexuality].
if i find that i'm more attracted to women and i envision myself having a better life relationship with a woman, then i choose to stop sleeping with men.
it's about free will and self-control.

because, at the end of the day, sex is just sex.
when in a loving, committed relationship, it has potential to be the physical expression of a spiritual connection.
but, if sex is removed from a relationship, the spiritual connection remains.
if the spiritual connection is removed, the sex very quickly loses power.
sex is just sex.

so, i still want to focus on developing a loving, committed relationship.
with a man.
because i picture myself spending my life with a man and having children with a man and... being with a man.
and, overall, i'm more attracted to men.
so, why would i have sex with women if i'm trying to develop a relationship with a man?

and... that's that.

but that doesn't change the fact that i think kate moennig is super hot.
and if my future husband is into androgyny as well,
i'll watch episodes of the l word with him,
and we'll discuss how super hot kate moennig is.

then, most likely, we'll watch QAF together, too,
and swoon over gale harold.

have i ever mentioned that i dream of marrying a bisexual man?

[i'm fucking weird.]

i appreciate that these thought processes and life decisions
are made solely of my own feelings and beliefs,
not those of my Faith,
but fit with my beliefs of my Faith
and i don't feel wrong for having them.

because this is my cross to bear
and it is borne well.

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 01:05:03 GMT

they hold each other.

broken and battered, the pair of them.

she feels every part of her being floating away,
as though she were nothing more than a vision.
light, transient, ethereal,
her time here is surely limited.
what keeps her in this world?

him.

her desire to be near him is overpowering, at times.
she longs for the slightest touch,
for that look,
for any reassurance that he wants her,
needs her.
she sees how pained he is,
and she offers him the comfort no other person can;
she offers what no one else is willing to.
she is all he has in this world
and she knows that he knows that.

he hates that.

his need for her frightens him.
he needs her body,
her gentle hands,
her soft lips on his forehead.
he craves to be held in her arms
and to have her gentle voice in his ear,
feeling more than hearing her whispered words.
he pushes this need down,
pushes her away.

he sees her falling.
he pushes too hard,
she falls too far,
too quickly.
she crumbles, pieces flying in every direction,
careening towards the unknown below.
the ephemeral vision fades before his sight.

so he reaches out and pulls her back in.
he collects the broken parts
and gathers them up in his arms.
he holds her together.

and she holds him in gratitude,
offering the love no one else can;
no one else will.

and they hold each other.

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 05:42:12 GMT

how 'bout what the shit am i doing with my life?
why do i always feel so uncertain?
i'm certain.
i'm relatively certain.
yes. i am.
i think.

okay, basically, i make up my mind then i change it.
then i change it again.
that's pretty certain... relative to not knowing at all.

my heart is aching
my body is burning
my hands are shaking
my head is turning
do you understand
it's so easy to choose
we've got time to kill
we've got nothing to lose
i want you now

it's overpowering.
he laughed at me
and said i haven't had the right experiences.
i laughed at him, bitterly,
and said fuck him
it was purely my resolve in the right experiences.
i'm different, i said.

he was right.
i haven't had the right experiences.
i've effectively avoided the "right" experiences,
deeming them wrong.
they are wrong.
but, i know that when placed in the right experiences now,
i will make the wrong decisions.
that's not stopping me from wanting these experiences, though.

fuck him.

what the hell?
this is so stupid.
ridiculously stupid.
it's very simple in mind.
it's very simple in words.
it's all very simple.
so, why do i choose to continue to complicate things?
i'm holding on to something that is literally non-existant.
it's building, expanding in my mind
but no place else.

he is not now, nor will he ever be, the person i'm allowing him to be.
i'm giving him qualities i know he has no desire to embody.
i'm picturing growth and development i know will never happen.
i hate not supporting his potential.
i... just... this is stupid.

my heart is hurting and i'm not really sure why.
i don't know what i want.
how can i not know what i want?

fuck me.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 18:47:27 GMT

who am i?
i find it hard to recognize myself these days.
i'm not worried.
just confused.

it's the "me" in reference to "them" that's getting me.
why is it that when i'm with certain people, i find myself... different.

i made the conscious decision a while ago to make this change,
but i thought it would be more controlled.
i would decide what changes would happen and when and why and how.
but, things are just changing and moving and... HAPPENING.
and i have no control over it.
and that scares me quite a bit.

my virtue is my self-control.
i've gone 19-almost-20 years of my life not letting go of this control.
i decide what happens [or doesn't happen] in my life.
things have no right to just start happening without my consent.

fuck fuck shit fuck.

i'm not fighting it, though.
'cause that's what "self-control" was for a while,
and that's not what i want now.
i'm not trying to stop things from happening altogether.
i WANT things to happen.
i just... ah.

what am i really doing?
and how do i know it's the right thing?
and whether or not i'm doing it the right way?

can't we just slow down and think a little bit?

there's plenty of slow, but not a whole lot of thinking.
it's just doing.
being.
HAPPENING.

esti.

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 05:58:24 GMT

i feel insincere. that is the worst possible thing i can feel.

"he has his facades, but underneath it, he's all real -- not an amalgamation of things he sorta wishes he was."

i hate to put it in words -- admitting what i'm sure anyone who has tried to know me has already understood -- but i pride myself on the raw, open truth that lies behind the infallible walls i've built around my heart and mind. it's incredibly difficult and surprisingly simple to be allowed entrance past those walls and, once inside, the fields of everything that encompasses khadija lay bare to be viewed and very easily trampled.

yet, these days, i feel as though these walls are being extended, layers emerging, creating a labyrinth, the centre of which i myself am not so confident in being able to find. i allow others their moment of celebration at breaching the initial wall, going along with their self-created images of who i am, knowing that those images are simply based on small parts of the whole -- the parts i prefer. i anticipate the disappointment and overall feeling of deception they feel when they run, head first, into the second layer of wall, higher and thicker than the first.

that's what makes my insincerity so terrible: many people are insincere about who they are but, in a sense, their insincerity is quite genuine; i have these ugly, frightening walls i force people to fight through with the promise that, once on the other side, i will be there, waiting and willing, holding everything that i am outstretched in my hands, an offering to whomever loved me enough to find their way inside.

that's not who i am anymore, though. it is who i want to be, so i continue to go through the pretenses, but that's not what people get. and, each corner turned in this disgusting labyrinth reveals another part of me that i used to be or long to be, which, in a way, is just taking the traveller even further from who i actually am.

sadly enough, i don't think i can go back, though. i am afraid to. without completely destroying the materials of me that built these walls, i can't get rid of them. how do i crumble these walls, sifting through the rubble to pick out the parts of myself i still love? how do i piece those small, fragmented parts together into something i would once again be willing to offer freely? most frighteningly, how do i break those inner walls without damaging the original outer barrier?

i depend on that barrier. i have always prided myself on it, and though it has lost some of its significance, i still pride myself on it. that wall is the one thing that allows me to share so openly, love so freely -- that outer protection is the only form of self-preservation i have. once i have gone through the process of pulling myself apart and reforming my being, i will once again be on display to be admired or annihilated as desired and i will need some sort of armor on which i can rely.

as per usual, i can't help but feel this task is one i cannot do on my own. part of this wall i've built around myself is the fact that i don't depend on anyone else to help me in any personal development -- nobody knows me better than i know myself, thus i am the only one that knows what i truly need. but, i need support. as i am crumbling, i need someone who can recognize all the important parts of me and who will hold those parts tightly in his arms, keeping them together and safe. i need someone who can stay at my side as i rebuild, patiently helping me through my frustrations. i need someone who embodies the sincerity i'm striving for, acting as a living model for my construction.

this is a huge vision i have for myself and, as previously stated, i am scared of what irreversible damage i may suffer. but, i am not content with who i am right now. i need to get back to who i truly am and, once again, allow sincerity to guide my everything. these walls of things i wish i was are stopping me from truly sharing myself.

i may always have my facades, but behind that ugly, frightening wall, i need to be all real.

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 08:48:37 GMT

i registered for classes today. three of them. i stopped being scared and i just did it. and i'm actually a little bit excited about it. not that i like school any more, but i like new media and i like film and i like analysing society and i definitely like rhythm and blues, soul, funk and rap. definitely. so it should be a good year. not easy, but good.

and i'm glad i'm not being left behind.

i don't think i'll ever out with this guy. it's just not meant to be. not tonight, not tomorrow, not wednesday. maybe thursday, maybe not. but, i think after this week, it's over. i stop. so, if not thursday, i let go.

i had a conversation with nathan tonight. a good conversation. i think this is the first time since he left that i've had a conversation with him and ended thinking "yeah. he IS my friend." or, i guess it would be more accurate to say that i am his friend. or, something like that. but, contrary to popular belief, i like that guy. and i like that he said the things he said to me tonight. 'cause, though i partially didn't think he HAD comments like that in him to make, i definitely never thought he'd be willing to share those comments with me. we've transcended, which i didn't think was possible with us.

i feel good about life right now. and that's... good.

it's funny that i see myself continuously growing and changing. it's even funnier that i see it happening so drastically from one week to another. like, WOW.

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 04:50:11 GMT

it's not conforming.
i retract the statement and offer this official apology.

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 05:15:03 GMT

livejournal has fallen off the face of the earth.
there is so much to say that i can say nothing at all.
i went to indonesia.
i fell in love with a life completely unlike my own.
i feel i can have both, though.
somehow.

i am very serious about starting a new stage in my life.
i've recognized him as someone i may be able to do that with.
then, we spent more time together and he got very friendly.
then, i got a message that sort of pushed everything from the world of potentials to the realm of reality.
now, i find myself questioning life, questioning him, questioning myself.
and i'm angry that i can't ever just enjoy anything without analyzing it to death.
i am unsure of what steps to take in this new stage of life.

maybe i'm still too scared to actually be moving forward,
because i never pictured it being this strenuous.

i am not in school.
i am not registered for a damn thing.
i am a constant disappointment.

i hate that while i've been unconsciously justifying my displeasing lifestyle choices by relying on his approval,
he has been conforming.
i hate it.
i don't even know which part of that statement i hate the most.

oh, this life is interesting.
and i don't hate it.

on a completely unrelated topic,
i really think i'm turning into a gay man.
i'm not even a girl.
i'm a gay man.

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 03:24:45 GMT

she makes a decision. she's going to talk to him. they have avoided the topic for long enough. the decision made, she feels much better.

she gets caught up, time flies by, soon half the day is gone. she hasn't seen him yet. she gets worried.

this is it. this is her last chance. why hasn't he come yet? the worry grows, creeping into her stomach.

here they are, face to face, hand in hand. "what?" he asks, sensing the unsaid words between them. she turns to see the others waiting for her. there's no time for this conversation. "nothing," she says, wistfully releasing his hand from hers. "okay." his voice is less than a whisper.

she will call when she finishes her work. she will call when she goes on her break. she will call when she gets home. she will call when she finishes eating. she will call after she checks her email. she will call at 9:30. she will call at 10:00. 10:30. she hasn't called him.

late in the evening, she feels unsettled. she slept fitfully last night. she won't sleep again tonight. is it too late to call? she opens her phone. closes it. she opens her phone and punches in his number. she closes it. puts the phone down. she opens a new text message. "r u busy? call me if u can"

... she... i... *inhale*... SEND.

her heart is pounding. her hands shake as she closes her phone and puts it down. the fear and uncertainty are overwhelming. she can't remember the last time she felt this way. she is questioning herself, the consequences of the conversation she has yet to have crashing down all around her. this is all a mistake.

the phone rings.