kdeej (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} kdeej) wrote,@ 2007-10-10 14:41:00 |
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who am i?
i find it hard to recognize myself these days.
i'm not worried.
just confused.
it's the "me" in reference to "them" that's getting me.
why is it that when i'm with certain people, i find myself... different.
i made the conscious decision a while ago to make this change,
but i thought it would be more controlled.
i would decide what changes would happen and when and why and how.
but, things are just changing and moving and... HAPPENING.
and i have no control over it.
and that scares me quite a bit.
my virtue is my self-control.
i've gone 19-almost-20 years of my life not letting go of this control.
i decide what happens [or doesn't happen] in my life.
things have no right to just start happening without my consent.
fuck fuck shit fuck.
i'm not fighting it, though.
'cause that's what "self-control" was for a while,
and that's not what i want now.
i'm not trying to stop things from happening altogether.
i WANT things to happen.
i just... ah.
what am i really doing?
and how do i know it's the right thing?
and whether or not i'm doing it the right way?
can't we just slow down and think a little bit?
there's plenty of slow, but not a whole lot of thinking.
it's just doing.
being.
HAPPENING.
esti.
i find it hard to recognize myself these days.
i'm not worried.
just confused.
it's the "me" in reference to "them" that's getting me.
why is it that when i'm with certain people, i find myself... different.
i made the conscious decision a while ago to make this change,
but i thought it would be more controlled.
i would decide what changes would happen and when and why and how.
but, things are just changing and moving and... HAPPENING.
and i have no control over it.
and that scares me quite a bit.
my virtue is my self-control.
i've gone 19-almost-20 years of my life not letting go of this control.
i decide what happens [or doesn't happen] in my life.
things have no right to just start happening without my consent.
fuck fuck shit fuck.
i'm not fighting it, though.
'cause that's what "self-control" was for a while,
and that's not what i want now.
i'm not trying to stop things from happening altogether.
i WANT things to happen.
i just... ah.
what am i really doing?
and how do i know it's the right thing?
and whether or not i'm doing it the right way?
can't we just slow down and think a little bit?
there's plenty of slow, but not a whole lot of thinking.
it's just doing.
being.
HAPPENING.
esti.
