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[oct. 20e, 2009|12:36 am] |
i hate bad poetry.
i think i hate poetry in general, but something about bad poetry just makes me so
...angry.
i know people want to express themselves.
i know poetry is a creative way to do so.
but aren't they embarrassed at the poor quality of it?
if i'm distracted by the level of your writing, how can i pretend to connect to your emotions?
we should never try to express ourselves artistically.
it is supposed to happen.
organically.
our feelings and emotions release themselves through whatever medium we choose.
we should never struggle to force it into an art form.
look at how creative i am.
look how i rhyme.
look, i'm using descriptive words and phrases.
did you see this metaphor i used?
did you see how i used a bunch of metaphors, all completely unrelated?
wait, let me think of the most extreme examples of pain/sadness/confusion and i'll try to use those.
"the wound in my soul is deeper than the depths of the deepest ocean."
that's pretty deep, right?
thus, I'M pretty deep
...right?
i'm a poet.
oh, it angers me so.
the anger burns within me like the fire of a thousand suns.
please... just say what you want to say.
stop with the pretentiousness.
say:
i am so sad.
my heart hurts.
i feel like my chest is being constricted and i'm having difficulties breathing.
i hate that this emotional pain is causing such physical reactions.
i don't know what to do with myself to make it better,
yet everything i do seems to be making it worse.
i wish i could ignore it all and stay inbetween dreams, where i control my reality.
that place i go when i first wake up and my mind is still slow,
everything feels real,
yet i'm in control.
i say, "i want this to be this way,
and that should happen like that.
we will all feel like this
and our future will unfold like that,"
and it happens.
the fact that i have to leave that place,
i have to return to this world
where i control nothing and everything seems to hurt...
i hate that.
i'm sorry i've played a part in anyone feeling that way.
i don't like being the cause of such pain.
but, for once in my life, i've found something that is worth hurting another.
being true to myself,
understanding my heart and following it,
is important enough that i am willing to put you through this.
i tried my best to make it as easy as possible.
i have been realistic.
i have genuinely tried to make sure everyone is on the same page,
everyone on equal footing.
i've gone out of my way to give the advantage at times,
because i realized that if left unguided, advantage would automatically be mine...
and that was "unfair."
you felt it unfair.
and, though i know it wasn't, i pandered to that.
but i can only do so much.
i can only offer to much, give so much of myself, favour others over myself to a certain extent
then i have to say, "no, i'm doing this for me.
i've said this is worth the struggle
so i'm willing to struggle.
i've been struggling,
i am struggling now,
and i will continue to struggle in the future
because this is what it's all about."
i want this forever.
i believe in the forever.
through all of this,
understanding the risks,
being realistic about the chances,
i still see and believe in the forever.
so, i have to stay here and allow it to happen.
what is this?
who am i?
i don't recognize myself,
but i like who i see.
the situation is awful,
but the situation is amazing.
i believe in the us.
i believe in our love.
we've made countless mistakes and had to deal with situations we really weren't prepared for,
but i trust it's all been worth it.
and i'm sorry.
at the end of all of this, i'm sorry.
this stage does not make me happy at all,
but i can manage it because i believe in the us, in our love, and in the forever.
i am sorry it is what it is, though. |
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| (pas de sujets) |
[fév. 11e, 2009|04:11 am] |
1 - on one level, i HATE and get really annoyed by people following fads like these 25 things notes. i tell myself that, on principle alone, i won't join in because it's so stupid. but, i then realize that the fad itself -- the actual note or the website [*cough cough* facebook!] or the whatever-it-is -- isn't really all that bad. i end up enjoying it quite a bit and wishing it wasn't such a big fad so i could partake and not feel like a total hypocrite. by the end of it all, i realize it somehow seems less genuine NOT doing it to avoid the fad than...going along with the fad.
2 - i am SO horrible at explaining myself!! i absolutely abhor sounding stupid and a lot of thought actually goes into wording my thoughts in a very specific way to express them so people understand what's going on in my head. what ends up happening, though, is i get really wordy and my points end up being way too difficult to follow [unless the listener kind of thinks on the level that i do... which few people do]. lately, what ends up happening is i give up on trying and just don't say anything because i realize i don't make a whole lot of sense and am doing exactly what i abhor -- sounding STUPID. *sigh*
3 - i am seriously the biggest walking contradiction i've ever witnessed in my life. i have so many principles and little quirks that define who i am and i hold to those quite closely, but so many of them seem like opposing ideals. people get quite confused when they try to understand me. especially because i don't bother trying to explain myself. ever [maybe 'cause i know how horrible i am at it haha].
4 - i actually just hate explaining myself. i don't feel i should have to. if you are someone worthwhile in my life, you should know me and trust me. i do things because i feel they're the right thing to do. that should be enough for you. if you really want to know why, ask and i'll probably tell you. i hate feeling like i HAVE to, though.
5 - if you ask me anything, i'll probably tell you. i'm very forthcoming, while very closed off. one of those contradictions. i don't often choose to tell people things about myself because i'm not particularly comfortable with it. but, if you ask me something straight out, i will generally answer you completely honestly. depending on the severity of the question and how personal the answer it is, you may have to ask a few times or in a particular way. but if you really want to know something, seriously... just ask and you'll probably get your answer.
6 - when i say in a particular way, i really mean that. i'm AMAZING at being evasive. i even amaze myself sometimes. i will be completely honest whenever i'm talking to you, but i'm quite adept at wording things in a certain way that i'm not lying, but not really disclosing anything. more often than not, i let people come to their own conclusions and don't really make any effort to correct them if they're wrong. easier than trying to explain myself, but feels better than deliberately lying. *shrug* if you're asking to know something specific, word your question SPECIFICALLY.
7 - i hate lying. i will not lie to you. if i do lie to you, it will usually be about something really insignificant and i will admit my lie shortly after. important things, i will always be honest about or i won't talk about at all. i can't stand when people lie to me, either. i can take the any-old-persons lying to me, but if you're someone who is important to me and who i've let into the inner sanctum of khadija-ness, do NOT lie to me. it's so extremely offensive, especially 'cause i KNOW by the time you've become that close to me you've understood how much i despise dishonesty.
8 - i used to lie a LOT when i was younger. i can think of hundreds of occasions when i lied. often about little things, but sometimes i told some HUGE lies and they almost always came back to haunt me. bite me in the ASS. yet, i couldn't stop. i distinctly remember how awful it felt getting caught in a lie -- one of the worst feelings i think i've ever experienced. i don't know when i stopped lying, but when i stopped it was just... the end. i went from being a compulsive liar to someone who has NO room for lying in her life, overnight.
9 - i prefer to trust people, always. though i know most people don't hold the same value on honesty i do, i'd rather live my life pretending they do. so, anything you say to me, i will go along living as though that is the 100% truth. you tell me you're going to do something, even if i know it's kind of unlikely, i'm going to move ahead as though it will be done. because that's what you said. if you tell me you feel a certain way, i will interact with you based on what you've said, even if i know you actually feel a different way. i think that's partially because i believe that by trusting i will be trusted. it's probably also partially because i think that's a better way to learn the value of honesty -- me calling you out on your lie will make you feel stupid for the time, then you'll move on; me trusting you will get you entrapped in your own lie and the feeling of stupidity will likely be more lasting.
10 - i am ridiculously introverted and am constantly analyzing myself. most of my life lessons have been learned through looking over my experiences, feeling stupid, determining what needed to change, then changing. and those changes stick, 'cause that brand of feeling stupid is particularly painful and i have little desire to experience it more than once. understanding myself better enables me to understand others, too. so, i recognize their stupidity, but understand where it's coming from.
11 - i have four sisters with whom i share absolutely no blood. before recent months, they were the only people i EVER shared these crazy inner thoughts with. more often than not, i don't look for advice from them more than just... sharing with them. something about knowing they love me and don't judge me makes me wish to share those moments of stupidity and the changes made. i appreciate hearing their feedback and hearing about their experiences, similar or completely opposite. recently, two people have been added to my confidence, mainly because they're so similar to me i sometimes feel like i'm hearing myself in conversations with them. and because one of them pushed a lot and asked sooooo many questions that i couldn't help but get accustomed to being really honest with him.
12 - all of these random facts have kind of been moving in a linear fashion, one leading to the next. the last one broke that stream because from the first time i saw these 25 things notes i decided that if i do one, #11 would be dedicated to my sisters. because 11 is a very, very special number. aaaaaaand, i wish on 11:11 whenever i see it, no matter what.
13 - once someone's been allowed access to khadija-ness, it's really hard for me to stop allowing him that access. if i trust you with ME, i want to continue doing that for the rest of my life. i'm more than willing to actually let you go and never see you again, but if by some twist of fate i DO see you again, i want our conversation to be at the same level it always was. everyone i've ever connected to on that level, save one, i HAVE that relationship with. i will go months and months without talking to them, but when i finally do i share everything as though no time has passed. and that one with whom i don't relate anymore TORE ME APART. losing him was probably one of the most painful experiences i've ever had.
14 - as intense as i seem, i'm actually so flip about life. i'm genuinely detached from... most everything. i say i don't care because i. don't. care. and it really isn't as horrible or mean as it sounds. i don't care because it's easier to not care; people get so caught up in really minor details of life, they make themselves miserable. i sincerely don't care about most things and i am thus better able to find happiness, or at the very least contentment, in almost any situation. even a lot of the "bigger" things, i am quite able to detach myself from. sometimes it's difficult, sometimes i do allow myself some time to hurt or mourn, but then i focus on letting go and life is better. lately, i've been allowing myself more time to be miserable than i'd like to, but i'm curbing that swiftly.
15 - i write a lot, but have never considered nor will i ever consider myself a writer. i have never written any "works" that weren't an assignment. poetry and stories and essays and all that crap disgust me. i have NO desire to write any of that. ofttimes, i just write because i have a desire to get all my thoughts out of my head, so i form them into words and phrases that i can make sense of. a lot of my writing ability [and a lot of my vocabulary] comes from the fact that i've worked really hard at finding the right phrases to express my thoughts. my desire to make them clear and precise forced me to constantly search for new ways to say things.
16 - i used to be a big artist and hated the title immensely. my name always being connected to the arts bothered me and i never understood why. when i moved to toronto, i consciously/subconsciously made an effort to detach myself from that label. not because i stopped loving the arts, but because i felt there had to be more to me than the singer/dancer/actress/whatever-the-fuck else. i've since then realized that the "more to me" wasn't all that great WITHOUT the artist. somehow in that process, i've lost a lot of what i recognize now as natural talent. things that have always been second nature to me are now a struggle and i'm learning how to learn these things again. it's painful, but as i see abilities coming back i feel a sense of accomplishment and PRIDE in them i have never had. i'm actually WORKING to be the artist i am, not just... born into it.
17 - i hate getting credit for things i don't feel i deserve. if i have done no actual work or made any effort for something, don't credit me with it. don't compliment me. don't congratulate me. it will frustrate me immensely. contrary to popular belief, i DO recognize that i possess a lot of qualities people feel the need to compliment; i see them... i KNOW they're there. i don't acknowledge them because i don't feel any of them are really mine to claim. praise my parents for a good mix of genetic characteristics. praise them for raising me. wait until you witness some amount of hard work from ME before you praise me on anything. and, honestly speaking, there's not a lot of hard work that comes from me.
18 - i hate pretending anything. i won't even go into a bajillions of examples of times when we are wanted or expected to pretend to be something we're not. even on the smallest scale, it's such a huge part of this society. i can't stand it. and, more often than not, i won't go along with it. that often makes me seem really stuck up or really out of place or really pretentious or really... any number of negative things, but i can't even pretend to care. haha
19 - i am a Baha'i, i love the Baha'i Faith, and i love Baha'u'llah. i love being around other Baha'is, but at the same time i don't. i've found a very strange balance in my life that i know other people look at and disapprove of, but... i am happy. the Faith is an amazingly strong part of my life, but i'm not very involved in the community here in Toronto. i've gone in and out, but definitely feel much more comfortable and happier out. i've deliberated on why that is often, and the answer is still being formed. but, the Baha'i Faith is such an integral part of my life without my being completely involved in community activities that i can't help but feel my love of Baha'u'llah is soooo... pure, it burns my heart sometimes. it's not about anyone else. it's not about what i'm doing or who i'm doing it with. it's about me, it's about God, it's about Baha'u'llah, and it's about His Writings. bah. i can't explain it [OBVIOUSLY]. and this is one aspect of my life, more than any other, i feel i shouldn't HAVE to explain to anyone. my relationship with God has nothing to do with anyone else. i definitely think that at a later point in my life, this dynamic will definitely change and i MAY look back on this time of my life and say, "khadija, WHAT were you thinking?" but, for now, i am so happy.
20 - it is currently about 3am and i have to wake up at 8am to go to work in the morning. i was ready to go to my bed at midnight and seriously thought i *would* go to my bed at midnight. but, like most other nights, i got on the computer and found something to eat up so many hours of my night. i live at night. i'm happy at night. i've always been this way. i actually take great pleasure in the thought of being awake when others are sleeping. actually, the thought of being without consciousness while other people are awake is pretty nice, too. but, unfortunately i do have to be awake during the day, so i end up just not getting very much sleep. when i DO get chances to sleep a lot, i'll sleep 10-12 hours at a time. one of the things i DREAM about getting is the opportunity to spend an entire weekend in bed, not necessarily sleeping the whole time, but not HAVING to get up for anything unless i wanted to.
21 - i love reading things like these notes and all the "answer these questions" surveys. i also love reading online journals. i love watching vlogs. i love reality tv. i love postsecret. i love things like old postcards or letters from and to people i don't know. i love movies written as though the viewer is getting a glimpse at characters' lives [cloverfield was AMAZING]. i love lamp. basically, i'm a huge voyeur and i like seeing parts of peoples lives that aren't really meant to be shared with those around them.
22 - comedy is a huge part of my life. i really appreciate good comedy from other sources -- a LOT of my life consists of quoting various movies/tv shows/comedy sketches or sets. it's to the point that a lot of phrases people hear so often they associate them with me, without knowing the original source. the sources are quite varied, as well. the highest form of comedy, selon moi, is wit, though. being able to combine intelligence with humour is the sexiest thing in the world. i find myself a relatively witty person, but i surround myself with extremely witty people, which helps. i hate that i'm such a snob, but when a person can't keep up with witty dialogue, they lose SO many brownie points in my eyes. and, dear lord, GOOD LUCK TO YOU if you don't get it. if i or someone around me says something really funny then have to spend 10 minutes explaining why it's funny to you... that's it. i'm done. you're cut off. thanks for coming out.
23 - i won't even explain how much i love music. i think it sounds like the most cliche phrase ever and every person seems to claim they can't live without music. and i'm sure they can't. music is an integral part of our culture and society. but, i can't help but feel people don't really understand the LOVE of music that can exist. very few people i've met seem to get it, and they only get it because they've experienced it. if you haven't watched the movie August Rush, go watch it. imagine a feeling towards music that's between evan/august's and wizard's -- a combination of the two. that's intimate. that's powerful. that's an intense love. that's what enables me to say i truly LOVE every genre of music. not just "oh, i can listen to anything" but i actually LOVE different styles of music equally. there's beauty in all of it.
24 - i am extremely childish. i don't consider myself at ALL immature, though. there's a distinction. i think we all have an idea of what "maturity" is, so i won't operationalize it. compared to most others in my age range, i think i possess a great deal of maturity. i actually usually despise being associated with my peers, because i am NOT them. i am wildly different. but, i think that's what allows me to be so childish and not worry it be mistaken for immaturity. i laugh at silly things, i love playing games, i ADORE children's movies, i enjoy children's songs, i like genuine displays of emotion [when i'm happy, i laugh; when i'm sad, i cry; when i'm tired, i say "i'm tiiiiiiiiirreeeeeeeeeddd"]. i have no concern about seeming stupid to my peers, 'cause a lot of the stuff they do seems stupid to me. i have no concern about seeming stupid to anyone else, 'cause i know that i can hold my own and prove myself, if i needed to -- i probably won't ever, but i COULD. so, i'm just happy being childish. i like hanging out with kids. i love laughing with them. i love silliness.
25 - i actually didn't think i'd be able to come up with 25 things about myself. "how narcissistic are you, khadija?" 25 seemed like a lot. i thought they'd all be random, like my favourite colour is green, i played the genie in the school production of aladdin when i was in 9th grade, i haven't lived with my parents for longer than two months at a time since i was 14, etc. totally wasn't that, though. haha. i really AM narcissistic. i hate talking about myself, but apparently love writing about myself. another one of those contradictions, i guess... |
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[sep. 14e, 2008|01:53 am] |
| [ | Musique actuelle |
| | federico aubele -- esta noche | ] |
( huh? ) |
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| (pas de sujets) |
[juin. 22e, 2008|10:29 pm] |
The sight of him makes me so happy. And frustrated at the same time.
I'm back to the same oh, he's not that important, i push him away, but somehow i need him to want me. if he doesn't seem to want me, i feel so sad.
he was the one who was excited to see me. he was the one who acted like he missed me so much. i don't think i was too flip. i wasn't exactly warm and ooh-ahh, but i didn't totally brush him off -- i just went on about my business. 'cause i had business to do. but we knew we'd see each other afterwards. then he just... shut off. and i hate it. i hate my own reaction. i hate that i feel so desperate for attention. i sit and wait and do nothing, hoping he'll what? come talk to me? sit beside me? what?! then i feel so stupid when i just have to hang my head and walk away, trying to pretend i have an ounce of dignity.
and i know that it's my fault. i turned him down. i was scared? and i know what i want and i know that he isn't offering me that. that doesn't mean i don't love him, though. and that doesn't mean i don't want him in my life. that doesn't mean we can't be friends like before! i miss him.
i'm scared to admit that i miss him, because that would lead to misinterpretations and we'd be right back where we were before. but i'm scared to not tell him that i miss him, because i see that he's just... leaving me. he's letting me go. BAH.
i hate boys. why can't they just be... nice? then we'd all be happy. |
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| (pas de sujets) |
[avr. 27e, 2008|08:32 pm] |
Frustration.
Sadness.
Relief.
Contentment.
Confusion.
Anger.
Disappointment.
Excitement.
Uncertainty.
Happiness.
Shame.
Determination.
( what is it? ) |
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| (pas de sujets) |
[mar. 29e, 2008|03:22 am] |
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ahhh...
mourning loves lost.
" loves imagined.
" loves denied.
" loves unexplored.
it's late at night
and i've spent this entire week
prowling the early morning hours
feeling out of place.
and, this night, my hours are spent
mourning loves not currently held.
[once, i spent the early morning hours giving birth to a new love,
which i mourn tonight.
why do i feel that "bad" news is on the way?
and what about the news makes the label "bad" applicable?] |
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