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[avr. 27e, 2008|08:32 pm] |
Frustration.
Sadness.
Relief.
Contentment.
Confusion.
Anger.
Disappointment.
Excitement.
Uncertainty.
Happiness.
Shame.
Determination.
( what is it? ) |
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[mar. 29e, 2008|03:22 am] |
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ahhh...
mourning loves lost.
" loves imagined.
" loves denied.
" loves unexplored.
it's late at night
and i've spent this entire week
prowling the early morning hours
feeling out of place.
and, this night, my hours are spent
mourning loves not currently held.
[once, i spent the early morning hours giving birth to a new love,
which i mourn tonight.
why do i feel that "bad" news is on the way?
and what about the news makes the label "bad" applicable?] |
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[mar. 26e, 2008|01:31 am] |
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[mar. 3e, 2008|12:24 am] |
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( lj-cut ) |
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[jan. 21e, 2008|09:50 pm] |
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[déc. 26e, 2007|12:02 am] |
i hate that i obsess.
i want to just be free of this.
i want to be happy with myself
and not need any outside addiction.
this isn't the first time, right?
i know that.
this isn't the first time i've been faced with this obsession.
and, all those times, i was WRONG.
what i thought i wanted was not, in fact, what i wanted.
it was not what i needed.
but, i'm fucking older now and can't i just KNOW WHAT I WANT?!
can't i just be certain and be brave?
what the HELL?
at a decent hour, i was overcome with longing.
i envisioned myself picking up my phone and reaching out --
making a connection.
i scared myself out of it.
at an indecent hour, i picked up my phone and realize a connection had been attempted.
NOT BY ME.
and i missed it, 'cause i was too afraid.
i tried to re-establish a connection, but it was too late.
and i kind of just hate myself for it.
this longing is so constricting.
stardust.
i need to add it to my list. |
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[déc. 14e, 2007|01:59 am] |
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f*cking g*d d*mnit aarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
i'm happy and i'm angry at the same time.
and i hate it.
AND, my sister is happy and that makes me happy.
and angry.
at the same time!!
[not angry that she's happy;
angry that she's happy and i'm not.
angry that she's taking the necessary steps to ensure her own happiness, and i'm not.]
i'd really like to just bask in the happy for a while.
can i just do that?
please? |
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[déc. 11e, 2007|12:30 am] |
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( i AM bk ) |
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[nov. 25e, 2007|08:16 pm] |
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take it away.
i've spent the whole day in my house
[save a quick walk to galati's to buy bread and milk]
pretending to work on my new media art project.
somehow, i got pulled away,
and have spent the past few hours
[HOURS?! how did so much time go by...?]
doing... nothing.
browsing around facebook.
i hate facebook.
why do we get so caught up in these stupid nothings when we know we are capable of accomplishing somethings? we have the knowledge, the wisdom, the desire, the determination, the passion, the self-control to go out there and do things, yet we sit at home doing nothing. i hate us.
back to this assignment.
i don't even have a theme or concept secured in my mind, so i'm trying to create in this disgustingly haphazard, disjointed fashion.
this project will be a mess.
and not even in that tastefully artsy way most things are a mess.
just a plain, old, "what was she thinking?" mess. |
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[nov. 3e, 2007|01:32 pm] |
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( molding ) |
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[oct. 10e, 2007|02:41 pm] |
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who am i?
i find it hard to recognize myself these days.
i'm not worried.
just confused.
it's the "me" in reference to "them" that's getting me.
why is it that when i'm with certain people, i find myself... different.
i made the conscious decision a while ago to make this change,
but i thought it would be more controlled.
i would decide what changes would happen and when and why and how.
but, things are just changing and moving and... HAPPENING.
and i have no control over it.
and that scares me quite a bit.
my virtue is my self-control.
i've gone 19-almost-20 years of my life not letting go of this control.
i decide what happens [or doesn't happen] in my life.
things have no right to just start happening without my consent.
fuck fuck shit fuck.
i'm not fighting it, though.
'cause that's what "self-control" was for a while,
and that's not what i want now.
i'm not trying to stop things from happening altogether.
i WANT things to happen.
i just... ah.
what am i really doing?
and how do i know it's the right thing?
and whether or not i'm doing it the right way?
can't we just slow down and think a little bit?
there's plenty of slow, but not a whole lot of thinking.
it's just doing.
being.
HAPPENING.
esti. |
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